Possibly the most challenging and misunderstood aspect of Christian marriage is the submission of wives to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:22-33 (NIV) states, Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
This is a HARD verse for many Christian women. We love our husbands, but the idea of having to obey another person is not appealing for most. I get it. I’m of a rebellious spirit, and I’ve never liked being told what to do.
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One thing that really helped my husband and me early on in our marriage was a Bible study our church held using resources from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I highly recommend his Love and Respect Live Marriage Conference Couple’s Kit for all married couples, but especially if you are struggling to achieve a stronger and more harmonious connection with your spouse. Dr. Eggerichs is engaging and humorous, and my husband and I actually had fun watching the DVDs together. Not to mention, it really changed the ways we view one another and how we communicate. A must for any Christian couple!
Does God Really Want Me to Submit to My Husband?
According to the dictionary, submission is the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person. But in the context of the Bible, the word has a deeper, more complex meaning.
First off, I highly recommend you check out this article by John Piper to learn what submission is NOT. https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/six-things-submission-is-not
In short, submission in a Christian marriage does not mean you are controlled or abused by your husband. It does not mean you cannot think for yourself or voice your opinion.
The Bible is specific: submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord.
The main factor here is that you and your husband must be of one mind: serving the Lord. If your values differ, you may be asked to do things you don’t agree with. That is a problem.
For example, my husband prefers that I dress conservatively (no short skirts or cleavage showing!). I know that’s his preference and I’m good with that. I believe God wants me to be modest and I am more comfortable dressing in a manner that aligns with my values.
My husband’s wishes are in harmony with both of our values. This is KEY! My husband does NOT ask me to do things that are not in line with our Christian values. If he did, it would cause strife in our marriage and our relationship with God.
What Does The Bible Say About Husbands?
Ephesians 5:28 states, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” If your husband truly loves you as he is commanded to, then you can trust that he wants only good things for you. Strife comes to marriage not only when a wife does not obey her husband, but also when a husband is not loving his wife in the way he should. When a woman feels loved completely by her husband, she is free to trust and submit to him in a way that she could not do with anyone else on earth.
So Christ is the head of the church, as the husband is the head of the wife. What does Christ expect from the church? Faithfulness. Devotion. Love. Gratitude. Giving of oneself. These are all good things when you think about it. All of them are commanded of wives.
And what is Christ to the church? Is he faithful? Yes! Has he sacrificed for us? He has made the ultimate sacrifice! Does he love us selflessly and want good things for us? Yes! This is how Jesus wants husbands to be with their wives.
One of the reasons I consider it easy to obey my husband is that he doesn’t ask anything of me he doesn’t already do himself. Of course he expects me to be faithful, as he is faithful to me. He expects me to contribute to the household income, as he also works and more hours than I do. He expects me to take care of our daughter and be a good mother, as he helps parent and works hard to be a good father. Our core values and goals are in line, as are our expectations for each other.
How Do You Biblically Submit to Your Husband?
Show Respect.
When I’m stressed or tired, I occasionally catch myself speaking in a rude tone or just failing to be polite and respectful to my husband in general. But having a rough day is not an excuse for treating someone less than kindly, especially the man you are supposed to love above all others.
Try asking yourself, “Would I talk to my best friend or a revered family member this way?” If the answer is, “Definitely not!” you know this is an area you need to work on.
Another way to think of it is to imagine a group of strangers were to observe you and your husband interacting. Would it be obvious to them that you love and admire him?
Respect is something men need from their wives in order to fulfill their role as a leader in their family. Check out this post from Kathy at Cornerstone Confessions for more ways you can show your husband the respect he craves.
https://cornerstoneconfessions.com/2014/02/99-ways-show-husband-respect.html
Make Him a Priority.
As women, we have a lot on our plates. With kids, work, home responsibilities and countless other commitments it can be easy to let our marriage slide to the back burner. Do what you can to show your husband he is important to you and your family.
Take a minute to stop and greet him when one of you gets home. Ask how his day was. Send a thoughtful text for no reason. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture to be sincere and meaningful.
I admit this is an area where I struggle. I am very goal-oriented and I can get laser-focused on my to-do list. As a result at times, I’ve inadvertently left my husband feeling low on my list. I have to remind myself that my family is my “why” for everything else, and my marriage is far more important than the short-lived sense of accomplishment I get from getting caught up on emails or cleaning the kitchen.
Show Him Physical Affection.
Admittedly, I can go a long time without physical intimacy. My days are busy and by the time our daughter is in bed, I usually just want to put on my PJs and veg in front of the TV. My husband, on the other hand, craves physical attention daily.
As a working mom of a small child with lots of responsibilities, I can’t accommodate my husband’s every desire. But I can make him feel wanted and desirable with passionate kisses, massages, and long embraces.
I also try to make time for things I know will get me in the mood and help me be more receptive to his advances. When I can take time for self-care and exercise, I feel more confident and sexual in general, which in turn leads to more physical intimacy with my husband.
Don’t get me wrong, during nearly 10 years of marriage we’ve had our share of dry spells, but maintaining a strong physical connection as much as possible has greatly strengthened our marriage.
Listen Actively.
I am a multi-tasker. If I am not doing more than one thing at once, I am planning in my mind the best ways to do 20 other things. Multi-tasking (even mentally) is not cohesive to active listening.
I recently decided to make a conscious effort to stop and look at my husband every time he spoke. To focus and take in what he was saying without thinking about what my response was going to be or what I needed to ask him.
I wasn’t successful 100% of the time, but I did notice less tension in our conversations and a better connection in our marriage in general. And it’s no surprise.
Communication is essential in a healthy marriage, and the first step is effective listening. No one feels respected if they don’t feel heard!
Compromise.
Compromise is still important!
Say your husband doesn’t want you to work, but stay home with the kids. You feel you still need the challenge of working and want the financial benefits of a dual income household.
Try to understand his reasoning behind his request. Does he not trust others to watch the kids? Is he worried you may not have enough time for him? Once you understand his concerns, you can address this issue and present a compromise that could work for both of you. Whether it’s scheduling a regular date night or finding a way to work from home, odds are you can probably both have what you want.
There is always give and take in a successful marriage. What’s important is that both partners have their feelings heard and addressed in a manner that is respectful and loving.
Pray Together.
Can’t come to an agreement you’re both happy with? Pray together for a solution! God is able to work things out in ways we could never do for ourselves. Just the act of coming together in prayer can be powerful.
You may not find an immediate solution to your disagreement (give it time), but you’ll feel closer to God and one another!
Practicing love and submission in marriage requires effort and understanding, but I truly believe that if a husband and wife are strong in their Christian faith and try every day to live by His word, a good marriage is inevitable. It takes a commitment from both parties but with prayer and grace, it is very possible to have the life long partnership God intended.
